Jailhouse Rock
by BigDestiny
Summary: Kurt, Finn, Artie, and Puck in a jail cell. Stop me if you've heard this one before.


Chris Colfer is mine, bitches! Just kidding. Nothing's mine, except for the plot. And the cop, I guess.

Jailhouse Rock - by BigDestiny

Kurt Hummel wasn't entirely sure how he'd gotten into this mess.

He remembered the fight, and the police showing up. The trauma of being fingerprinted and tossed in a holding cell would probably take more than a trip to Louis Vuitton to forget about. But as he, Finn, Puck, and Artie sat around this dingy little jail, none of them was quite sure what had happened. Kurt was sure the guys from Vocal Adrenaline were teasing Artie about his wheelchair, while both Artie and Finn were sure they were making homophobic remarks. Puck insisted that the VA thugs must have thrown the first punch, as it was clearly stupid to think he'd jump to Artie and Kurt's defense short of anything else.

Kurt figured he must be more shaken up than he thought if Puck was starting to make sense.

"Besides," Puck continued. "Schu will be here in a few minutes to vouch for us. Once they know for sure we're underage, they said they'd let us go with a warning."

Which was why the Vocal Adrenaline thugs weren't sharing this cell with them; they'd had ID on them. But Finn had forgotten his wallet at home, Kurt had lost his somewhere in the fight, and with Artie being in a wheelchair, he didn't even have a learner's permit. The only one who had anything on him when the police got there was Puck.

Who had his fake ID on him that said that he (and by extension his buddies) was 23.

Kurt took back what he'd thought about Puck making sense. Noah Puckerman was clearly a moron.

"Assuming they called him right away," Artie pointed out. "They probably want to scare us a little."

"Well, it's working," Kurt grumbled. "I never want to see CINDER BLOCK again."

The day had been going so well, too. Although they hadn't placed at Regionals, Glee had been spared for another year, and they'd decided to throw a celebratory party. But when Finn and Puck had decided to sneak out and try to score some alcohol, Kurt and Artie had decided they needed to tag along to keep the two jocks out of trouble. And before they had managed to find a liquor store, they found themselves in a back alley with some of VA's more unpleasant members.

Kurt supposed that they hadn't done too badly for themselves. Puck and Finn, of course, were more than a match for the Vocal Adrenaline guys. Artie may not have been able to stand, but he had KILLER arms on him, and back to back with Kurt they'd managed to keep any of the VA guys from closing on them.

"Just one thing, Hummel," Puck stated, which caused Kurt to start as Puck didn't usually address him. "You don't hit hard enough."

"How would I know that?" Kurt replied, exasperated.

"You probably should know that," Finn pointed out, speaking for literally the first time since they were arrested. Kurt suspected that Finn was afraid of what Burt would say when he found out one of Finn's friends had gotten Kurt arrested.

"You're just barely hitting them," Puck continued, as if no one had spoken. "You've gotta aim for a couple of inches under the skin. Here."

Puck maneuvered Finn, then Kurt to stand facing each other. Kurt was so surprised that he actually let Puck close Kurt's hand into a fist and aim it at Finn. "Can you see his stomach? Not his gut, his actual stomach."

"Clearly, I can't," Kurt replied.

"Try to hit it anyways."

Kurt raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. Puck said nothing, and when Kurt turned his attention to Finn, Hudson just shrugged amiably.

Well, that was a hell of a lot of help.

Kurt didn't move, until Puck barked "Hummel!" into his ear. Kurt was again startled, and on pure instinct hit Finn in the midsection. Surprisingly enough, Finn let out a pained grunt and went to his knees.

Kurt was right behind him. "Oh my god, Finn, I'm so sorry!" Kurt glared up at Puck. "What was the point of that?"

"Besides you needing to know that?" Puck smirked. "When the butt sex happens, I don't want to get stuck with someone who doesn't know what they're doing," he stated, with a thumb pointed back at Artie.

"They're not sending us to Oz," Artie snapped, straight but still insulted.

Finn finally lifted his head up to look at Puck. Not surprisingly, Finn looked like he wanted to tear Puck a new one. "I'm gonna - get you - for that."

Oddly (as far as Kurt was concerned) Finn's irritation with Puck only lasted about ten minutes. Of course, they'd been through far worse during the previous year, but Kurt was sure that he'd never understand straight boys.

Thank god, he wasn't in love with one, anymore.

Right now, Finn was bouncing around excitedly. "You know, Rachel's not the only one that's got ideas. We should practice."

Kurt had no idea what Finn was talking about, as he generally tuned Rachel out and had no idea what kind of 'idea' Finn was referring to. Kurt tried to remember what they'd been talking about before, and recalled the 'butt sex' comment. He sighed with gravitas. "Sorry, Finn. That ship has already sailed, hit an iceberg, and sunk Leonardo diCaprio's career."

Finn had the nerve to not understand what Kurt was talking about. "I have no idea what you just said." But then confusion was again replaced by a broad grin. "Next year's Sectionals! I mean, what else are we going to do while we're in here?"

Kurt himself then grinned widely. "Finn, you are occasionally brilliant. I agree."

"Might as well," Artie sighed.

Puck realized that they were all looking expectantly at him. He sighed, as well. "I'm gonna do this whether I want to or not, right?"

Kurt didn't bother answering him. "So what did you have in mind?" Kurt asked Finn.

"I had a couple of songs I wanted to try," Finn replied. "But since we're in here, how about some Jailhouse Rock?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Sure, Finn. And after that, we can sing 'I'm a giant cliché'."

How depressing was it that Puck was the only one laughing at his jokes?

The sarcasm did, however, seem to penetrate Finn's consciousness. "Okay, no Elvis. I heard something on the radio that you might like."

"Really?"

"Really?" Puck had said the same thing Kurt had, but it sounded a little scared coming from him.

Perhaps he had reason to be scared, because Finn had decided on, "For Your Entertainment. That's Adam Lambert, isn't it?"

"Oh, HELL no!" Puck exclaimed.

Finn looked confused. "Are you sure? I really think it's him."

"It IS," Kurt insisted. "Puck is having gay panic."

"I am not!" Puck snapped.

"Dude, you totally are," Artie told him.

"I'm not doing a bump and grind in the middle of a jail cell," Puck growled. "Do you WANT us getting gang raped, Hummel?"

Kurt looked around the cell, at the empty ones surrounding them. He shook his head, mockingly. "Don't worry. If the rats try anything, I'll be sure to try and hit them in their actual stomachs." Finn and Artie both laughed at that one.

Which was marginally better for Kurt's state of mind. "Unless you have some other suggestion?" As soon as he'd said it, Kurt wished he hadn't asked Puck that. Puck's musical interests were occasionally interesting, but most of the time they were the exact opposite of classy.

And god help them all, Puck was putting actual thought into this. Kurt inhaled nervously as Puck's face brightened. "Hey," Puck exclaimed. "What about that new one. My mom's been listening to it for weeks; I know the words by heart."

Artie's face crunched up as he tried to figure out what song Puck was referring to. "You mean 'Whataya Want From Me?'"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Isn't-" Finn broke off. He looked confused; Kurt briefly wondered if he'd realized that Adam Lambert had come out with a new single since then. Ultimately though, Finn couldn't come to a firm conclusion. "I mean, sure. I know that, too."

When Mr. Schuster arrived half an hour later, he found the boys in the middle of serious discussion over a bit of choreography they couldn't agree on. He nodded to the guard that had entered the room with him that yes, these were his underage students. The boys didn't notice anyone had come in until the guard literally unlocked the cell. "Do I even want to ask?" Mr. Schu asked.

Kurt, Artie, Puck, and Finn simultaneously answered: "THEY STARTED IT."

Mr. Schu sighed at that. "That's the best harmony I've ever gotten from you. I'm not sure how I feel about it."

The guard waved at the outer door, no doubt irritated by the fact that the boys hadn't moved. "You're lucky your teacher talked us out of pressing charges. Or calling your parents."

At that, Finn practically ran out of their cell to hug Schu. "Thank you so much. If Kurt's dad found out that I got Kurt arrested, I don't think I'd ever be able to look him in the face again."

"You're lucky that's all that happened to you," Schu told him. "You all could have been really hurt." He turned back to the guard. "I assume the fake ID you told me about's been confiscated."

"You'd better believe it."

Puck looked disgusted, and halted right in the cell doorway. Kurt had to nudge him (in his actual back!) to get him moving again, allowing Kurt and finally Artie to leave the cell. "We're sorry, Mr. Schuster. Thanks for getting us out of here."

"Yeah, thanks," Artie added. He wheeled up to Puck, giving him yet another nudge.

"Oh," Puck yelped. "Yeah. Thank you."

"Well, there was no harm done, from the sounds of it," Mr. Schuster pointed out. "Why don't we head back to the party, and you can show us what you've been working on while you've been in here?"

Kurt turned back to Puck with a look that Schu could have sworn was playful teasing. "Unless you want to try out our first pick once we're no longer surrounded by gang raping rats."

Schu decided the party had better break up soon. He was clearly hallucinating if he thought Kurt and Puck were getting along.


End file.
